Forgiving Amanda
by MariskasWarrior
Summary: When a person from Amanda's past returns, what secrets will she be forced to share? Will the squad be able to handle the trial that ensues and the chaos it brings to their lives? Sexual Assault TW, Self Harm TW
1. Chapter 1

Amanda walks into work forty minutes late, for the second time that week, and hurries to her desk. She avoids talking because honestly she is too damn tired for any contact right now. Ever since Chief Patton called her reminding her that he wouldn't take no for an answer she could barely breathe, never mind sleep. She thought of his impending arrival, only two days away.

Maybe she should tell Fin, or Amaro, or Liv. Maybe she should tell anyone who can save her. She felt suffocated, she couldn't ignore him after all, he would always keep to his promise that no wasn't good enough for him. A panic attack crashed down on Amanda as she replayed their conversation in her mind over and over again. She grabs her jacket and rushes outside for some air. She knows someone will follow, but she prays they won't. She just needs a little time she says to herself. 'I was okay before we talked, I was healing. I was in a good (if not tense lately) relationship and no one knew I was weak'. She kept self deprecating and wasn't pulled out of her self-pitying fog until a hand on her shoulder sent her flying two feet away. Fins face fell as she jumped.

"It's me, Manda. What's going on with you? You've been jumpy for weeks now. Are you in trouble, gambling again?" Amanda stopped herself involvement as soon as she saw his concerned face. Her voice almost cracked as she assured him she was fine, she just needed sleep. She hated seeing that look in his face, the broken part of her telling her its pity. 'He sees through your lies Amanda, don't let him know you're weak.' He skeptically excepts her answer and grabs her hand, "Its freezing, let's go before you lose a limb to frostbite". Little did he know the only thing she was in danger of losing was her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Amanda awoke from a nightmare again, only it wasn't unreal. Today was the day he was coming back. She trembled at the thought of it before deciding to stay as long as possible at work. 'No one can hurt me in a room full of cops' she told herself. That was bullshit and she knew it, that's what happened last time. She was called into his office, he made sexist remarks but that was nothing new. But then he got up and put his hands on her shoulders, told her it'd been a long case and she needed to relax. She shrugged him off, he had been grossly inappropriate before but touching her was too far. She went to leave when he blocked the door. "Going somewhere?" he grinned. "This case has taken a lot out of us, but here you are, gorgeous as ever".

Amanda felt sick to her stomach, she didn't really understand what was to follow being a young, naive cop. But being women taught her all she needed to know about feeling unsafe in the presence of a male. "Get your hands off me before I get pissed" she spat, which twistedly made him smile even more. This smile was one she had never seen before, one she would see on countless rapists and predators at the Special Victims Unit. A look of rage, lust, and pride mixed. The look made her shiver; she hated the feeling of fear in her bones. She had lived through abuse and neglect, through her mother's boyfriends who would punch and kick, through an ex boyfriend who threw a beer bottle. Through all of that hardship she grew a shell. She began to remember all that she had been through, all she had won.

She was strong and guarded, but these men smelled weakness like coffee in the morning. The whole squad had hounded her for being a women since the day she started, an old fashioned town like Atlanta had a small list of successful female detectives. Her mind was brought back to reality when his hand went from caressing her face to clenching her jaw. She angrily smashed his mouth into hers, assaulting her mouth with his. She squirmed and screamed. The others couldn't hear her, or maybe they did. No rescue came. Story of her life, wasn't it? No help ever came, and she guessed that's what made her strong. She didn't feel strong in that moment, though. She felt the weakest she ever had.


	3. Chapter 3

She headed into work, hands trembling and stomach turning. She attempted to put him on the back burner, to focus on work. He had been in town for fourteen hours and hadn't tried to reach her, she tried to assume that was a good thing. She was relieved when Olivia sent her and Nick to the hospital to take a statement, she could barely breathe in that building.

The drive stayed semi-silent, Nick could tell that Amanda wasn't herself but that wasn't too unusual. It had been this was since the beginning of December. She had grew distant and secretive. He felt almost certain that she was gambling again but each time he tried to help her she refused to let him in. They were at a crossroads, they both had so much love for each other, but Amanda could not let him see who she was. Behind the cracked façade, behind the broken mask.

"Look, Amanda" Amaro started, "Nick, you don't have to-" Amanda interjected. "No, Amanda, you are going to listen to me. I've been so worried about you. You haven't called me back, you won't tell me what's wrong, every time I see you your hands are shaking and under your eyes are black. You need to talk to me! Tell me! What's going on? I can't help you unless you tell me!" His yells turned into desperate pleas as he begged her to give up her pain. He was going to continue yelling until he say the tears well up in her eyes. "No, no, no. Baby I'm sorry, I just want you to be okay, I want us to be okay." He reassures her. "I- I'm sorry Nick. I need to keep this to myself, I need this privacy. Please, Nick. Give this to me." Nick smiles weakly at the women he loves. He wipes her tear off her face and goes to open her car door.

Amanda feels somewhat better now, in an odd way. He respects her privacy and still wants her. It was hard for Amanda to believe anyone wanted her, although Nick does not know what Amanda knows. What happened to her could change everything. They walk up to the Emergency room together and introduce themselves to the victim. "Hi, Sam. We're from the Special Victims unit, can you tell us what happened?" Amandas soft voice that she used when talking to a victim not only reassured Sam, but nick as well. Amanda was still in there, she is still the caring and loving woman he knows. Sam began to explain her attack which was always the hardest part for Amanda. Others attacks sometimes bared so many similarities to her own. His hand over her mouth, him biting her chest until she bled, but one thing made Amanda want to vomit. "He bent me over and he, he told me that I was his lucky peach" Sam sobbed out. Amanda excused herself and ran to the restroom. She puked up everything she had in her stomach, which to be fair was only half a bagel and coffee.

Nick worried about Amanda but stayed with Sam. Once he was done asking her questions, and she didn't want him to stay for the rape kit, he headed back to the station. They made eye contact when he walked in, but her eyes told him to leave it alone. Fin walked to the front of the squad room to let them know that the police had picked up a man for attempted rape whom also used the terms "You are my lucky peach". They were about to have their guy, and Amanda wasn't ready for what was about to happen.

Chief Patton had Amanda on the floor, his body on top of hers. She weakly struggled, impaired from the blows to her ribcage. She screamed for help as he raped her, slamming himself into her causing her to break out in sobs. "Shhhh, its okay Amanda. You always were my lucky peach. Enjoy this." Amanda had to leave, she had to get out. She thought about telling Olivia. She would know he was her chief before the day was over anyway. She thought about running, or jumping off the roof, or escaping any way possible. There was no way. She had to fight, stay there and play it cool.


	4. Chapter 4

They all looked up as the police brought in the suspect. All except Amanda, who was hoping to look so small she could shrink into herself. Chief Patton was brought in collectedly, not fighting or yelling but smirking. Nick escorted him to an interview room, and before she could leave Amanda was pulled into another room by Fin. "Amanda, isn't that your old chief?" Fin was obviously shocked, hoping Amanda would have the same reaction as him. "Yeah, I guess it is." Amanda replied, trying to sound as surprised as possible. This doesn't have to bring up her secrets. She can still suppress.

"Did you know he was in town?" asked Fin, he was so confused, so many questions raced through his head. He wasn't suspicious though, and Amanda was grateful. Olivia called for Rollins, who answered obviously hesitantly. Olivia and Amanda have had some obvious tension lately. Olivia doesn't trust Amanda, and she doesn't blame her. No one ever stopped to wonder why Amanda acted the way she did, to see if she was okay with her gambling issues. Amanda was secretive, so she didn't want people in her business but it seemed no one cared and this admittedly upset her. "Do you know this guy? Works Atlanta PD." Olivia obviously had no suspicion either, which somewhat calmed Amanda's nerves. "Yeah he was my chief." she hoped that Olivia wouldn't understand, she was hoping this would end soon.

Olivia noticed Amanda's hesitance in telling her she knew him, she sensed her tenseness and backed off a little. "Let's listen in, Nick is interrogating. With any luck this bastard will plead guilty. We are taking his DNA, too. There was semen in Sam Sayers. "Good luck with that" Amanda said, warranting a worried look from Olivia. Olivia had noticed the changes in her young detective lately but didn't have the energy to do anything about it. She had previously told Amanda she was there to talk, but to be honest she had Noah and herself to worry about and didn't have the time to fix someone. Still she worried about Amanda, a young strong willed girl that reminds her of her old self.

Nick came out of the interrogation room and up to Amanda. "You know this guy? He wants to talk to you." Amanda went into the room, legs shaking and barely able to support her body. Nick accompanies her in the room, uncomfortable with the situation itself. He didn't want this rapist talking to Amanda. He was already confused about how they knew each other. He decided he would ask later. Amanda sat across from Patton, noticeably uncomfortable. "Hello, Amanda. I've been calling you for that drink we planned on getting but your number was changed." he looked up and down at the detective. "Well, I guess a lot has changed about you since we spoke last."

Nick got angry and looked to Amanda for answers. Ignoring her boyfriend, she retorted "Patton, why don't you admit what you did to Sam?" she asked, sliding a picture of his previous rape victim across the table. "We already have you on attempted rape". Her strong demeanor was betrayed by her shaking hands, those that did not go unnoticed by Nick. "Amanda, c'mon. Don't you know me better than that? I could never hurt a delicate, fragile woman." He spoke with sadism, as if he was taunting he by calling her weak. "I want to help those defenseless victims, not make them". Defenseless victims, the words resonated in her head. Weak, broken, scared. "You know what, this isn't helping at all" Amanda said before leaving the room. When she got to Olivias office Barba was there as well.

"Amanda, has he ever been inappropriate towards you? He is obviously a misogynist." Barba asked innocently.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks so much for everyone who followed, reviewed, and liked my story! This chapter does mention some self harm, not too graphic but _it's_ there. Read with caution and please skip this chapter if you will be triggered! Love you!_

"Look, Patton is a sleaze. He is sexist and degrading towards women and I don't doubt that he could have done this." Amanda told Barba, Olivia, Nick, and Fin who where all in Bensons office. Barba grabbed the case file off Olivias desk. "Well with the two victims statements and testimony, along with Amanda's, we should have him. No one is going to find it hard to believe this shovanist assaults women."

Panic began to rise in Amanda's throat. "You want me to testify? Testify to what? I'm not the victim here." she spewed defensively. "Amanda you know how he is, you've experienced his sexism firsthand. Like it or not that directly correlates to the mistreatment of women he provides." The squad felt for Amanda, it couldn't be easy to testify against someone you worked with. But even worse was the fact that she had to work with this jerk. Olivia understood how it could be to work in a boys club, but even when she was the only female detective at SVU the boys treated her with respect and care. She couldn't imagine working in such a hostile environment.

The team all went back to writing their reports as Amanda took the rest of the day off sick. No one told her how worried they where, everyone understood the tough situation she was put in. Although no one was assaulted, coming home and showering until she was as red and raw on the outside as she felt on the inside. She scrubbed at her body, only this time she cried. After the attack she couldn't cry for months. She was so emotionally stunted by her secrecy, she could barely feel anything. She thought of the numbness she felt, she remembered the drastic measures she took to feel alive again. It seemed like a cliché really, a girl attacked and all she has to turn to is the razor. Yet is it a cliché when it's the truth? She dug the razor normally reserved for the mundane task of shaving into her forearm. She slid it across and saw the first drops of blood. It had been three years since she had the twisted pleasure of this pain. Since she moved to New York, with the exception of the day that she was beaten by a man she owned debt to, she had been clean. Life was tough is New York, but not messy.

She had always admired the simplicity of the somewhat overwhelming city. You knew who you where, how infinitely small you and your problems where. It was fresh air and a feeling of escape. She hadn't much felt the need to cut, even with her relationship issues between her and the squad. Now her arm dripped blood from the four small cuts. Not big or deep but enough to feel the sting, enough to have the endorphins rush through her veins, enough to give her the peace of mind to sleep. 'Just this once' she promised.


	6. Chapter 6

Amanda entered the courthouse with a smile plastered on and under eye circles darker than the coffee she was drinking. She was greeted by Nick who walked into the courtroom with her. They walked in and listened to the testimony of the two victims. Amanda felt a kin to these women, no one in the world but they and she (and anyone else Patton had assaulted) had suffered through the same experience like she has. No one would ever truly know how Patton had hurt them. The only difference was they where brave enough to tell someone. She was brought out of her thinking when Barba called her to the stand.

"Hello, Mrs. Rollins. Let's get straight to it, you worked under Chief Patton in Atlanta P.D. did you?" he asked, giving her a reassuring look, as professionally as he could. "Yes, I worked with him for about 4 years." Amanda replied. She kept eye contact with barba. She refused to look at Patton, whom she was sure was giving that narcissistic smirk. "Over your course of working under him, did Chief Patton ever treat you inappropriately?" "Objection, leading your honor!" Patton's attorney jumped up to accuse. "Tread lightly, Barba" the judge advised.

"Yes, for as long as I had worked with chief Patton he has been rude, misogynistic, and just downright degrading to women." Amanda felt her spark, a little bit of the fiery her shine through. She was still the girl who spoke her mind without fear. She did, however feel a little uneasy at how Patton would react.

"In your opinion, is Chief Patton capable of committing such a heinous crime?" Barba asked. "I have no doubt in my mind that Chief Patton raped those women." replied a confident Amanda. She began to have hope for a tomorrow where she did not fear. A day where she knew her rapist would be jailed, unable to hurt anyone. "The prosecution rests, your honor" Barba retorted, somewhat cocky of the bulletproof defense he made. "So, Mrs. Rollins, you worked under Chief Patton for six years?" The defense attorney asked Amanda, moving closer to her than she found comfortable. "Yes sir, six long years." she agreed. "And you say that you had witnessed the Chief be inappropriate, even degrading towards women. With you?" Amanda grew more irritated at his monotony. "Yes, Chief Patton has a utter disregard for the respect of women." she insisted. "You see, I think that you believe he doesn't respect women because he didn't respect you. Although to be fair, if a young detective screwed her superior on her first month of duty anywhere else he wouldn't have much respect for her either."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Amanda interjected. "Objection your honor! Slander!" Barba interjected. The whole squad sat in shock; did Amanda sleep with this man? Did she have more secrets than they knew?

"Make your point and make it quick" the judge demanded. "Chief Patton is willing to testify under oath that you two had sexual relations not only on the first month of your employment, but the last week as well. Two sexual encounters and he still never called you back? That must have made you hurt, angry even. Could it be that he had no respect for you because you are promiscuous and threw yourself at him? Could you just be bitter from your previous workplace fling?" the words cut Amanda like knives. Not only did this bastard have to nerve to rape her, but then turned it into her being a slut? Amanda could feel the sting behind her eyes. "I never slept with you, that was not sex." She said looking right at Patton. She felt a rage she could not control, she did not care who was around. "You raped me! You are really going to make this into my fault? You know what you did, you know what you are!" she screamed, only being cut off by the objection of the Defense attorney being granted by the judge.

Amanda focused back to reality to see Barbas face confused and pitying. She couldn't look to everyone else, she had to get out of there. She ran out and to the bathroom. She couldn't breathe through her sobs and splashed cool water onto her face. She was startled when a hand landed on her shoulder.


	7. Chapter 7

_thanks so much for the reviews! ahhh, sorry this took a few days to post but I was sick. please keep reviewing, and here is a super long chapter for you! btw, ya'll are some good detectives bc most of u knew who was going to be in the bathroom with Amanda _

Amanda whipped around as fast as she could and was met by Livs soft face. "Why didn't you tell anyone? We could have helped you." she says softly, her voice cracks as she realizes she hasn't been there for the women who she mentored. Before Amanda understands what's happening she is sobbing into Olivia's shoulder. "I believe you, it's going to be okay." the way she spoke without patronizing her made Amanda almost feel guilty for keeping this secret. Once she calmed down she rinsed her face again. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen." an embarrassed Amanda spoke. Olivia's heart broke at the shame she felt by accepting any kind of comfort. Olivia is strong willed, never wanting to seem weak, but at least she spoke to a therapist after she was assaulted. Here was Amanda, so young and strong carrying this around alone. "You have nothing to apologize for; court was dismissed until next week so why don't I run you home, if you don't want to be alone you can come stay at my place." Olivia tried to tread lightly; she knew that Amanda was feeling cornered and weak right now.

"I'm fine, Olivia. I'm actually going to catch a cab, but thanks." She spoke before heading out. She wiped her face and collected herself, walking out with her head held high and a strength that Olivia hadn't recognized she possessed until this moment. The rest of the squad all headed back to the precinct along with Barba. No one said a word until they gathered there, unable to articulate the night's events into words. "I'm going to kill the sun of a bitch" says Fin. "I just don't understand why she didn't tell us when this started, did she really think she could just get up and testify against him without us knowing?" Carisi interjected. Olivia jumped in, "Guys, this was her choice. As unhealthy as it is no one can force her to share what happened. She is hurting and ashamed right now. She needs our support, nothing else." Barba put his hand on Amaro's shoulder, who was silently seething in rage towards the man who did this, but he shrugs it off. "I need some air"

Everyone needed their space and sleep tonight. Everyone headed home for a restless night of wondering what they could have done to help Amanda, except for Nick of course. He headed out to see if she was okay. He was nervous the entire duration of the ride to her apartment which was only blocks from the precinct, imagining her being beaten and defiled by some low life that she was supposed to trust made his skin crawl. Nick and Olivia always had a special bond, and once she was assaulted he overanyalyzed every event leading up to it. He wondered why she was hurt, what he could have done to save her sooner, but this was a whole new ball game. At least Olivia got help, she wanted to heal and move on. Amanda had been living inside this damn nightmare for god knows how long, being raped twice and then humiliated by the rest of the team she worked with. She never told, and Nick knew how crucial that was to healing. Thinking of both of the strong willed and powerful women he worked with, he couldn't help but notice how similar the pair truly was. Like peas of the same damaged pod, they were strong because of their environments. Olivia and her father, Amanda and her mother, the hell they suffered through was worse than any body language could tell him. Their tense relationship was always odd to him. Maybe they were too much alike, stubborn headed and passionate. Maybe they both had too much pain shown in their eyes. These, the epitome of strong women could not afford to be seen as less, even if it meant being human.

Nick ran through the light rain that littered the dark New York sky. If that night wasn't so ugly he would call it beautiful. He remembered the first day he kissed Amanda. The rain fell similar to tonights, she had called in a moment of weakness, that was truly a moment of momentous strength. The strength to call someone and say she needed help, she was drunk and wanted to gamble, she couldn't find her way home, she was a complete mess. "I need s-someone Nick, help." she stuttured into the phone. Sure enough Nick arrived and brought her back to her apartment. "Here, why don't you go get in the shower while I make some coffee?" he offered. He could see the sober parts of Amanda shine through, obviously uncomfortable at the idea of him comforting her in any way. "I'm sorry Nick, i-I'm fine." she tried to wave his help away and send him home, but her slurred speech did not comfort him enough to let him just walk away. "Go ahead manda, I will make coffee."

Amanda would never admit it, but even as the next day came and she grew ashamed of the encounter she felt a warmness about it. She pushed him away, like she didi to everyone, and he offered to stay. He not only helped her get herself together but didn't take advantage of her. That is something that had happened to Amanda throughout her whole life. Too many nights she would go out and get smashed only to come home to sex she doesn't remember in the morning. Part of her thinks she does it intentionally, a form of self harm. She gets drunk and puts herself in risky situations to feel something. Or I guess the correct thing is that she drinks to feel nothing. No pain of the assault, no pain of the secrets and lies, no pain of the squad who doesn't trust her, no pain of a troubled past.

She awoke the next day horribly hungover to realize Nick was on the couch still from the previous night. She tries to creep past him to get some coffee but he wakes. Hypervigilant almost, leaving her to wonder what demons he has been through himself. She knows his father beat his mother, maybe he would awake in the night to their violence. She felt bad for the sweet, caring man that stood before her. She felt, something more intense. She had love for him, as she did for Fin. But there was something different about nick. He was a different kind from the rest she dated. He was dependable and respectful, while Amanda usually stuck with those who mistreated her. Old habits die hard she guessed as she allowed them to treat her like her father treated her. Nick was something special, and that morning when he looked in her eyes and told her she would be okay she felt it. So strong and powerful, she had never truly felt such love. She grabbed his face and kissed him hard though her mind was panicking. The fear that he did not reciprocate the same feelings where short lived when he returned the kiss matching her passion. They not only kissed, but had a full make out session before Nick got called in by Olivia.

The memory made him smile. Happy that she trusted him, happy that she wants to be with him, happy she is in his life. He realizes he never knew Amanda in a time where her life hadn't been previously torn apart. When she hadn't been abused, beaten, raped, and used by anyone. He knows that time will never come again, and she would never be numb and innocent to the unjustices of the world like zara. How nick envied his daughters trust and faith in the world and people around him, in a way that him and Amanda never could.


	8. Chapter 8

Nick paces back and forth outside of Amanda's door for what seems like the millionth time that night. It took him nearly twenty minutes to get the courage to even go inside the building and he still has the urge to run. Running has been his solution for his whole life. He ran from Maria and their problems, ran from the feelings he has for Amanda, ran from the ghosts of his past. He didn't blame Amanda for staying silent, hell; he hadn't opened up to anyone about his demons either. It wasn't about being private; there are just some things you can't tell people. You have too much pain, too much shame and truth hidden underneath the armor you have built for yourself.

He finally knocked on her door, trying not to startle her with his presence. He knew she would be excepting someone from the squad. No way in hell would they let her struggle alone, struggle like she has been silently for the past years. She answers the door with obvious hesitance, she is not ready for this talk. No one is ever ready for moments like these, when the flood gates open and the truth spills free. Maybe she feared she would say too much. Her tiny figure appeared infront of him, somewhat smaller and more exposed than he had seen before. They had been intimate, they had been friends, they had been partners; but never have they been open. This kind of rawness and vulnerability couldn't compare to late night screws and the early morning quickies.

She stands before him in a bath robe, hair down and curly. The water soaking it must bring out the natural waves that look so beautiful on her. Makeup free and red eyed, it was evident she had been crying although that wasn't really a surprise. With a sniffle she invites him in forcing that rollins smile on her face. "Hey, manda. I don't know what to say. I would have helped you, I would have been there, I am here." he began, starting to get more emotional as he went on. She pulled him into a quick embrace and neither wanted to let go. It was almost as if the pain they where both harboring was baggage they didn't have to carry while in each others arms.

Amanda pulled back and he saw her tears, wiping them with both thumbs away from her eyes. She pulled his nose to hers, not kissing but embracing in the warmth of each others comfort. Making eye contact for a second she kissed his lips. She wanted to be close to him, she wanted all of him. They worked on each others clothes until down to only their undergarnments. Amaro pulled back in the midst of a lustful kiss. "Are you sure?" "The most sure I have ever been" she replied. They don't have sex, as cliché as it may sound, but made love. The way their bodies intertwined and their hands where so gentle, there was no pain to be felt in that moment. After the inevitable climax they fell asleep holding onto each other. Once Amanda was asleep and nick was sure of it, he kissed her forehead and whispered "I love you" 


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning SVU was abuzz, everyone was there besides Amanda and nick, who was an hour late. To be honest no one expected Amanda to come in, they understood what she was dealing with. But nick? It was never official that they were together, though all too obvious to fin and liv. When Olivia saw them, she saw two rookie detectives breaking rules. She saw the care they had for each other, she saw the happiness they had when they were together. She would never admit it, but even felt somewhat jealous of the close bonds they shared.

When Fin saw them together, however, he saw a young Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler. He saw the damaged Liv overcompensating for the damage her concievement brought upon her family. A woman set out to prove she was strong enough, tough enough. A woman who had been beaten, who had been assaulted, who had been through hell and back. She saw the fire in her eyes and the passion she held, and the way that it was always ignited when Stabler was around. Fin never much liked Elliot, felt he was pretentious and an asshole, but he couldn't deny the happiness he gave Olivia. He would be forever grateful for all he did for her, even though he walked out on her and left her torn apart. Fin had seen Olivia's breakdown through the interrogation room window after he put in his papers, an intimate moment he much rather have been her own to keep. He saw how she was desperate to hold herself together since then, and still could feel the sting of his absence like a knife to the tounge when she said his name. Speaking of which, she never really said his name. The fire she had, the fire she has, slowly became duller. The first assault hit her hard, but after some healing he could see the spark of ambition return. Elliot leaving broke something inside of her, the abandonment she had felt from everyone she ever loved came rushing back. Add that to the second assault, munch leaving, cragen leaving, the third assault, and all of the broken love she has had over the years, Fin couldn't believe she was breathing.

The tension, the love, it was there. Olivia and Elliots problem was timing, but Amanda and nick had it together. No one spoke about why Nick hadn't shown up, besides Olivia asking the squad if they'd heard from him. They all carried on with their work until about an hour past their lunchtime. Nick walked into the precinct, Amanda following close behind. Almost using his body as a shield from all the pitiful looks she received.

They walked into Liv's office and closed the door. Liv gave a sympathetic look to Rollins as they sat, and then a suspicious one to Nick. If the circumstances where different she would have laughed. All this secrecy and lying, their feelings where so obvious, and they where oblivious. "Liv, I want to come back to work. I don't want all this, this tension." Amanda begins. She can feel her hands shake from the vulnerability she felt. She hated this openness, it made her feel weak. "Amanda look, we are all here for you. You can come back to work as soon as you're ready. As long as you are sure it is the best thing for you." she made direct eye contact with Amanda, body language shifting to a somewhat uncomfortable one due to the confession she was about to make. "I know what it's like to get the sympathetic stares, to be treated as a victim. This doesn't make you weaker Amanda" she takes her hand "It makes you stronger."

Amanda released from Olivia's grip and got up, partially in shock of the personal feelings she had just shared and partially to hold back the tears she felt forming. "I appreciate it sarge, I am ready now." she insisted before going to her desk.


End file.
